my two cents

I have been reading many reactions, both positive and negative to the church’s stance on children of same sex marriages not being able to be blessed or baptized.  I’ve seen many friends, of whom I know to be faithful members post comments over their confusion and conflicting feelings.  Of those friends, they all have stated that they will pray for guidance and understanding, which is the correct path. It is to those friends I wish to speak.  It is to those friends that I write this.  It is to those friends that I share my personal life experiences.  I ask you to take Moroni’s words to heart when he said, “3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts. 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” Moroni 10:3-5.  I pray that those who are questioning would take Moroni’s challenge and pray for themselves to know the truth of all things.

As for me, I did not have such questions as it made sense to me.  In our church meetings, we have been encouraged to share our experiences.  Our lessons are more of a discussion format as our shared experiences can be the answer to someone’s prayers.  We learn and grow from our shared experiences.  I’ve thought long and hard about this and have decided to share my perspective in the hopes that it may help.  I don’t share these things lightly, they are my personal life experiences, they have shaped me into who I am and how I think, and they are my humble opinion.  I pray that anyone who would read this would remember that.  I am not writing this to convince anyone, change anyone, or to “shove my opinion and/or beliefs down throats”.  I don’t write this for anti-Mormons or to those who have fallen away and hate the church. I don’t write this to start a fire-storm of controversy. I write this for those in whom my story will touch and help aid them to find their answers. 

I think the first reaction that I’ve seen is one of anger that the church would do such a thing to these innocent children or punish innocent children.  I can see how that would be the reaction, but that is not how I see it. I see it as protecting the children and families.  Here is how I come to that thought process.

I am hetero-sexual or “straight”, but before you dismiss that, please hear me out. 

At the time when my first child was born, I was not active in the church.  I guess you could say I was leading a double life, trying to put on the outward appearances to family but away from that very inactive.  I highly doubt I was fooling anyone but myself.  As it was, in an order to “save face” and do “what was expected” we (my ex-husband and I) went ahead to have our son given a name and a blessing.  The things we do in the church, the ordinances and blessings, they are sacred…..they are special.  To treat them lightly is a mockery to God.  I did not go into giving my son a name and a blessing with the right spirit or reasons.  We asked my grandpa to give the blessing.  It was a beautiful blessing.  It was a blessing that my loving grandpa gave to his great-grandson through the Spirit.  They were the things that the Spirit directed my grandpa to say through the power of the priesthood.  But at that time, and in that moment, the blessing offended me.  The words my grandpa spoke cut me and angered me.  I remember a sister-in-law commenting to me about how beautiful and sweet the words had been and my only response to her was to tell her of my offense towards them.  The words that offended me so greatly?  They were a plea from a grandpa that his granddaughter would find her way back to the fold so she could raise her children up in righteousness. 

You see I had fallen into the offended trap.  “1 And now it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had made an end of speaking to my brethren, behold they said unto me: Thou hast declared unto us hard things, more than we are able to bear. 2 And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center. 3 And now my brethren, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, and give heed unto it, that ye might walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.” 1 Nephi 16:1-3

I feel I can boldly say that, because I fit into that guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.  I’ve walked that road many times.  I know what it is to be offended by the things I don’t want to hear.  And the reason for my offense is because deep down, I know the things were true but I didn’t want to change.  Change is hard, being righteous is hard, and following the commandments is hard.  Life is hard. 

Did my son receive his name and blessing? Sure.  Did I go into it with the right intentions? No.  Is my error on my son’s head? No.  But the error was mine.  If I hadn’t given my son a name and a blessing, would it have damaged his eternal soul? No.  Would it have prevented him from gaining access to heaven? No.  Would it have robbed him of blessings? No.  And I say no to that simply because in the Family: A Proclamation to the world it says, “WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”  It’s all on me to raise my children up in righteousness.  Further, we are taught that those people who aren’t taught the gospel, who would have accepted it in this life, will have all the blessings and opportunities given them in the next.  I really don’t believe that Heavenly Father withholds blessings to his children just because their parents aren’t doing what they should be.  Certainly trials and hardships can and will occur, they happen to anyone and everyone with no respect to life, faith, and/or circumstance. 

My attitude probably hindered the spirit from working in full effect that day as I brought a spirit of contention and a disregard for something that was sacred all because it was something “I should do”.  How many times do we “go through the motions” without thought to the end result?  Far too often in my experience. 

So how does this relate to a same sex situation?  Well, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Why would a same sex couple want their child given a name and a blessing?”  “Aren’t the majority of same sex couples against the church?”  Through my own thinking and talking with friends, here are some of the conclusions I came up with.

1.    Doing as I did:  It’s a tradition.  Family will be disappointed.

2.    Not fully understanding the covenants and promises that are made when sacred ordinances are performed.

3.     Wanting their kid’s names in the church so if, further down the road, there is financial troubles…..the church helps its members. (Hetero-sexual people do this too).

4.    As Matt Walsh put it, they want everything and do not think that anything, any right, any religious emblem or practice should be denied to them.  It doesn’t matter that they don’t believe it, the fact it’s being denied enrages them. (Sadly, hetero-sexual people think and behave this way as well).

The last two were the extremes, but sadly, they do happen in our day and age.   In reality, there is no “time limit” or “age limit” to a name and a blessing.  I’ve witnessed older children being given a name and a blessing.  Converts generally aren’t given a name and a blessing.  If your baby isn’t given a name and a blessing, all hope is not lost, there is a Patriarchal Blessing that can come later in life and that blessing is a personal scripture just for you!!

So, in a nutshell, it’s not a “punishment for the innocent children” but a protection for the parents so they don’t cross the bounds in which the Lord has set and heap destruction upon their heads. 

As for the baptism part, I agree with that decision as well.  Again I will pull from my own personal experiences to explain my perspective on this.  We believe that the age of accountability is eight.  That is the age where a child is old enough and capable enough to make decisions and understand the consequences.  But how can a child make such a decision of that magnitude when they haven’t been taught?  Entering into baptism is a huge thing and not something to be entered into lightly.  When you are baptized, you enter into a covenant which is a two way promise. 

The Doctrine and Covenants has this to say on baptism, “37 And again, by way of commandment to the church concerning the manner of baptism—All those who humble themselves before God, and desire to be baptized, and come forth with broken hearts and contrite spirits, and witness before the church that they have truly repented of all their sins, and are willing to take upon them the name of Jesus Christ, having a determination to serve him to the end, and truly manifest by their works that they have received of the Spirit of Christ unto the remission of their sins, shall be received by baptism into his church.” D&C 20:37

Every Sunday we renew our baptismal covenants when we partake of the sacrament.  The covenants we make at baptism are explained in the sacrament prayers, “77 O God, the Eternal Father, we ask the in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in the remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.” D&C 20:77

We covenant that we are willing to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ, to remember him, and to keep his commandments and in return we are promised that we will always have his Spirit with us.  That’s not something to take lightly.

My mother-in-law was telling me the other day about a baptism she would be attending.  This baptism is for a young man who is turning eight.  She has been fellowshipping him and his family since he was born.  They are inactive and he has only been to church one or two times.  Yet his grandmother wants him baptized and so the parents gave their consent.  How can this child enter the waters of baptism when he hasn’t been taught the importance?  Or taught why?

So then I ask how many of these children of same sex parents will be in that very same situation.  Entering the waters of baptism without knowledge of why.  Of not having the background to make the decision for themselves based upon what they have been taught.  It’s not a punishment for the children but a protection so they can eventually grow and make the decision for themselves when they have gained a bit more understanding.  I don’t know about you, but how many times have people lambasted the church for allowing eight year old’s to make that decision trying to claim that it’s too young to heap such a big decision on, yet the moment it doesn’t serve their purposes, lambast the church again. But it’s also a protection of for the parents so they don’t offend God and heap destruction upon their heads.  The things we do in the church, we don’t just do them to do them or for the sake of doing them.  Everything has meaning and purpose, everything has an eternal perspective.  What is done on earth is done in heaven.  For those who don’t believe that, it’s easy to not think about the big picture.  But for those of us who do believe it with all of our hearts and see the big picture……….

Or is their purposes for wanting their children baptized is so they can receive aid and help from the church because “their children are members” all the while shaking their fists in anger at the church? 

What of the confusion this would put on the children?  To be taught that their “parents” lifestyle is a sin in one setting, go home and be taught that it isn’t.  How is that helpful to a child?  Especially a child at the age of eight who is starting to get a grasp on the world around them? It is a confusion that an innocent child should not be burdened with.  I have experienced this with my own children.  Before Nathan adopted them, they lived in homes with two completely different values and morals.  I’ve seen firsthand what it can do.  I don’t understand how this is a good thing for children. 

I know of a woman who was converted to the church and wanted her children baptized.  Her ex-husband who wasn’t a member did not want his children baptized.  However, the woman went behind his back and I’m sure lied through her teeth to convince people to allow it and they were baptized.  The father found out after the fact and was furious and for justified reasons.  Legally he was allowed a say in major events in his children’s lives.  The right to be a part of that decision making was taken away from him.  It caused an even bigger rift in the ability to co-parent, which in turn placed more stress on…………THE CHILDREN! 

Many children from same sex marriages would be in that situation.  As a divorced parent the laws of the land play a big part into this.  The church cannot nor will they get involved in that.  Believe me, it’s frustrating to have your hands tied that way, I know from personal experience.  The children are always the ones who suffer the most in that situation. Why make it harder for them to have their parents fighting over their baptism?  How will it help them gain and develop a testimony when they see the contention it brings their parents?  Is it heartbreaking for a faithful mother or father have to sit by and watch their children be denied the blessings of baptism? Yes….oh my word YES!!  But how can it protect the children when one parent doesn’t agree?  Wouldn’t the other parent then work even harder to make the children believe their way?  I’ve seen it happen.  Parents using their children as pawns against the other parent.  Baptism is such a sacred covenant that it should never be treated in that way.  And as hard as it is, just because your child as a youth or even in this life is denied baptism in this life, does not mean they will in the next.  Heavenly Father is very aware of each and every situation.  He knows your children will have the opportunity to accept those blessings.  But you have to have faith that it will happen in the Lord’s time. 

I’d like to share my story, it is about my first youngest.  I call him that because as a divorced parent who has re-married and had another child, I kind of have two youngest children.  For the sake of this blog and to protect the innocent, I don’t want to use names.  When it was time for my first youngest to get baptized, my ex-husband and his wife made it all about them and not our child.  I know that it was more her doing than him.  She’s from Australia and many of the emails I would get would have the spelling that is uniquely not American.  The records of my first youngest are with me, therefore, technically he should be baptized in the ward of record.  However, the dynamic duo took issue with that and insisted that the baptism took place in their ward (because as they put it, to be fair because the other two children had been baptized in the ward of record) and stated that unless they got everything they wanted, the baptism would not take place as they would not give their permission.  In other words they were holding the baptism hostage.

After prayerful consideration and long talks with my bishop, I realized that it didn’t matter where the baptism took place, who said the prayers, or who gave the talks.  The only thing that mattered was that the spirt could attend and that my first youngest could partake in the blessings of baptism.  That was worth more to me that putting up a fight.  In the end, they were “gracious” enough to allow my family to say one of the prayers and do the song.  All along we were lead to believe that this baptism was to be a “special circumstance” baptism, where it was arranged specifically for us because of the family circumstance.  However, we later learned that was not the case and it would have been a stake baptism with another child who’s family would certainly want to participate in the program.  This was done all despite the fact that in my stake, my first youngest would have been the only baptism for our stake and they were willing to let the program be completely up to us.  But the need for control was greater than what our child wanted, or a willingness to compromise and work together. 

My first youngest wanted his grandpa, my dad to baptize and confirm him….something he’s always wanted.  Instead of working with me to come up with a compromise, the dynamic duo tried to insist that they would do everything.  However, my ex would have to get permission from bishops to perform the baptism.  I did not see any reason why my first youngest couldn’t have grandpa do one and biological father do another.  The date had been set for September 7^th.  I declined to have a joint after party and that did not go over well with the dynamic duo who accused me of not putting my child first.  As far as matters were concerned the only thing not arranged for was an after party, which is traditional and not contingent upon getting baptized.  We learned that my ex had not been given permission to perform any of the ordinances. 

That weekend was Comic-con and William Shatner was going to be there at 4pm on Saturday….the exact time our baptism would be taking place.  My ex is in the Army National Guard and that had been used extensively as an excuse and tool to get whatever he wanted.  September is always the month for Governors Day and it has always been the second weekend of the month.  Unless there’s an emergency, a guard unit doesn’t have two meetings in the same month.  Top that with the fact that earlier in the year, the dynamic duo had sent me a copy of his guard schedule (in an attempt to bully and get their way on summer vacation) showing that the date for his September guard was to be the second week, not the first.  The night before the baptism I got an email from the dynamic duo stating that he had guard weekend and the baptism would have to be canceled.  It was a heartbreaking experience to tell my first youngest that he wouldn’t be baptized the following day.  And even more heartbreaking at the callousness the dynamic duo took towards his disappointment. 

I really shouldn’t have been surprised, but imagine my shock when the next day, the day the baptism should have taken place, the dynamic duo had pictures all over Instagram of them at Comic-con.  A lie.  I had been told the baptism had to be cancelled because he got called up for guard duty, yet here they were at Comic-con.  Later on, the dynamic duo would blog all about their adventures at Comic-con and going to see William Shatner.  I pray that my son never finds out the reasons why his baptism was cancelled.  I pray he never learns that a Comic book convention was more important to them than him.

Nothing further was said of the baptism until November.  The dynamic duo wanted to be sealed.  In order for that to happen, I and the first ex-wife would have to write letters.  At the time, the dynamic duo was behind in child support to both of the exes to an extreme level.  In order to be considered temple worthy, you have to be current on all child support obligations.  What happened next is a mystery to me as they had to know the first ex would shoot down their hopes with her letter stating just how far behind in child support he was.  But I received a phone call with a deal.  They would allow our child to be baptized in my ward and on our stake baptism day if I would write a good letter for them and do so in a timely manner.  Well, I’m capable of writing a good letter, just not capable of lying about child support owed.  The conditions of our son getting baptized were contingent on my writing a good letter so they could get sealed.  Things might have gone in their favor if they hadn’t pushed it.  But not too long after came the stipulation that I had to have my letter written and in the hands of their bishop by a certain time on a certain day or they would not give consent for the baptism.  I hadn’t yet received my letter from his bishop in the mail and the deadline didn’t allow any time for receiving the letter let alone putting any decent thought into what I would write.  Our son’s baptism should never have involved this level of extortion.  It was tantamount to blackmail.  And I presented my case as such to his bishop.  To say they were furious was an understatement.  However, their bishop was able to convince them that holding the baptism hostage was not a good idea.  Somehow, after all of that, the dynamic duo, where not given permission to get sealed, but was given permission to baptize and confirm my first youngest.  I had to exercise great faith to know that any errors would not be on the head of my son and his baptism would be good in the eyes of the Lord. 

My youngest son was all set to have his grandpa baptize and confirm him.  So it was quite a shock when he came home and announced that he wanted his biological father to do both.  The reason?  My first youngest LOVES Transformers.  He eats, sleeps, breathes, and lives for Transformers.  The dynamic duo promised him if he had his biological father baptize and confirm him that they would give him a Transformer party of his wildest dreams……there would be a Transformer Pinata, Transformer cake, Transformer decorations, Transformer themed everything, and Transformer toys.  Well, to an eight-year-old who loves Transformers, this was a dream come true. 

Do you think he ever got his promised party?  He’s ten now, and if you ask him about his baptism, he doesn’t have positive memories.  Our primary had their program in September, and part of his part was to talk about what he remembered from his baptism.  They cut that part.  What does he remember?  How does he look back on that special event in his life? Regret.  Regret that he didn’t have his grandpa, who is his hero, baptize him.  Betrayed.  He was promised something grand and it was never given. 

These types of situations can and will happen within same sex parties and unfortunately many hetero-sexual couples as well.  The children are always the ones who get hurt.  When adults put their own desires and wants above anything else……children are hurt.  That is what the church is trying to prevent by not allowing children of same sex families to be baptized at the age of eight.  They are protecting not harming. 

And what of a child of a same sex family wanting to get baptized after 18?  Everyone is jumping on the gun and saying that they have to disavow their parents.  I have never read that.  I have read to disavow the practice.  Two completely different things. 

I have said it before and I will say it again, "Our culture has accepted two huge lies.  The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them.  The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do.  Both are nonsense.  You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." -Rick Warren.

It doesn’t say you can’t have Christmas dinner with your family.  It doesn’t say you can’t love them.  It doesn’t say you can’t have them part of your life.  It says and means that you can’t live with them and you have to disavow the practice.  You can love someone but not love their lifestyle.  You can disavow the practice but still love the people who raised you.  It is possible, you don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.

You can’t serve two masters.  “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” Matthew 6:24

This goes deeper than just changing your religion.  All you have to do is look around and see how volatile the very subject is.  How can you expect someone to accept two lifestyles?  How can you expect someone to live the life of a church member and at the same time have their foot into the other? The church is trying to avoid conflict between families.  How can you expect someone to “serve two masters”?  I realize by disavowing the practice would cause conflict and hurt between families.  It would cause rifts, offenses, and hurt.  But only when you cannot realize that disavowing a lifestyle isn’t the same as disavowing a person. You aren’t serving two masters when you can say, I love you and care for you but I don’t agree with your lifestyle.  Heck, I’ve been there too, not in a same sex attraction way, but in other ways.  My family didn’t agree with my lifestyle.  My parents have always loved me despite my errors.  They loved me, and not what I was doing.  And to be honest I have read many accounts from people who were raised in same sex families that are speaking out against it.  If that is the case, why are we up in arms about the church’s decision?

At first glance, it seems that it is a cold and heartless thing to do to the children that through no fault of their own have been put into the situation. But seeing the pain and suffering of my own children in the situation they have been through, I see it as a tender mercy.  I know that not all will see it this way, and I'm not out to change any minds or convince anyone.  I just want to share my perspective in the hopes that it would help someone who is looking for an answer.  I say this as a mother who's watched her children be hurt and left to pick up the pieces.

I am sure that there are good people out there who have same sex attraction.  I'm sure this decision will weigh heavily upon them.  I'm sure this decision will cause conflict and rifts in families and friends.  I've been seeing it happen.  These are the end times.  I pray for those people.  I pray that hearts will be softened. I pray that I may have compassion for their unique situation. I pray that prayers will be answered.  I pray that the heavens will be opened and blessings poured down upon those who are hurt and struggling.  

But that’s just my own two cents.